A Pile Of Crap and Then Some

Mc G should be shot. Not the least because he still thinks a grown man can pull off a half-ass name like his without looking like one, but the worst transgression that makes shooting him such a good idea is the fact that he was able to make a major motion picture with undeniably gifted actors and a ridiculously huge budget that could have been spent on better things – like a sequel to Borat – but still make people who watched it want to kill themselves.

*deep breath*

Let's backtrack. Weekend ritual of movie marathon found me renting Terminator Salvation last Saturday. Luckily, I also rented Year One because 5 minutes into watching Terminator Salvation, I was ready to hurl myself in front of a moving vehicle. Year One saved me from doing it. A laugh out loud movie that delivered what it promised, which is pure, dirty, unapologetic fun.

Terminator Salvation, meanwhile, was such a pretentious piece of crap that was made under the assumption that all moviegoers are stupid. Observe and Report was also done under the same assumption. The difference is the latter wasn't pretending it was anything but a pile of smelly poo.

Plot.

Are you kidding me? There wasn't a plot. Unless you count screenplay that can be written by my 16-year-old cousin a plot. But for the sake of those fortunate enough to have missed the movie, the basic plot *pukes* is: Christian Bale plays a guy who likes to shout and think intense overacting coupled with cheesy lines pass off as real acting. He's a good actor, Bale. Maybe the nonstop screaming he did both in the movie and while shooting the movie was only his way of getting rid of his frustration for being stupid enough to say yes to a project that is not only soulless, but will make Terminator 3 look like a masterpiece.

Sam Worthington plays a cyborg who thinks he's human. Sam is cool, so I'm gonna choose not to bash him. Besides, anybody who can make being a 10-foot N'avi look really hot should be allowed a couple of stupid choices. Just as long as he doesn't do it again. Stay away from McG, Worhington! I beg you.

The fact that Helena Bonham Carter and Bryce Dallas Howard, two beautiful and talented women, are in the movie doesn't make any sense at all. They could have been replaced with CGI and nobody would have noticed. That's what pisses me off more. Why would you even make an effort to cook a very potent potion and plan a hypnosis session just so you can make these two fabulous women say yes to an abominable excuse for an action flick when you won't even use them for more than 2 minutes and will only give them three lines of dialogue? I could say that's just stupid, but I'm sure you're already thinking that.

Now you're saying, there should be something about the movie that made watching it worth your while. Well, let me tell you two things. One, you're a pathetic optimist. And two, if you think watching a naked, ripped version of Arnold Schwarzenegger beat the hell out of Christian Bale is something that will make me feel better, then you're right. Damn, I enjoyed that part. And that in itself is sad. A movie where the best part is Arnold Schwarzenegger begs the question, "What the (censored) is wrong with the director?"

Terminator Salvation would have been a perfectly ok mediocre film if only it didn't take itself too effin seriously. The lines that were supposed to come off as heroic and inspirational were just too cheesy to be excused.

When John Connor said, “If we stay the course, we are dead! WE ARE ALL DEAD!” I thought that would've been more merciful. If a real takeover of robots were to happen and the only way we can survive is by spewing out godawful lines like the ones in the movie, I'd rather WE ARE ALL DEAD.

Zombieland!

Just when I think I've had enough of Robinson's Cinema and would love nothing more than to see it burnt to the ground, or at the very least, filled with rotten vegetables, it turns around and surprises me. In a good way.

You see, MMFF (motto: "We cram award-hungry talentless people in one festival until you beg for mercy and think if Christmas means one more season of mediocre films, you'll skip the holiday altogether) has been going on a month longer than I care for, and I've had it up to here in talks of awards and floats and not being able to go to the cinema because no movie represents senseless fun. Well maybe except Ang Darling Kong Aswang, but I'm damned if I spend 100 pesos to see that.

So anyway, propelled by the feeling of luck turning in my favor, I checked with their cinema girl today and shouted for joy when I heard the best news this week. Zombieland is out tomorrow.

Zombies, man. If there's anything that makes me feel so much better about how the world is, it's zombies. Lots of them. With a mixture of funny banter and a couple of cameos. And Zombieland has it. How do I know?

This is when the love-hate relationship I have with Robinson's Cinema veered a little towards hate. I called them a couple thousand times if they have any plans of showing one of the perfect examples of my staple movie, and all I get is, "We're not sure until the film is already here." Nice.

So since I thought there was no chance of me watching the undead try to bite living people's limbs off in the big screen, I... *looks down and sniffles*... downloaded it.

I shouldn't have and I'm sorry.

For crap like Terminator Salvation, it's perfectly understandable to download since it's the height of wastefulness to spend hard-earned cash on crap by McG, but Zombieland is reminiscent of the best zombie movie ever, Shaun of the Dead, and I should have waited until the posters are removed from the poster boxes at the cinemas before I gave up hope.

But no matter. I'm still gonna watch it in all its gory glory in the big screen. I'll still scream when Columbus, Wichita, and Little Rock almost get bitten by zombies. I will still laugh my ass off during the cameo by Groundhog Day (wink, wink), and I will still cherish every single second Woody Harrelson is on screen doing what he does best: overacting and still pulling it off magnificently.

So if you're up for some senseless fun, get your butt over to SM or Rob (not sure about Gaisano), and if you're planning on bringing your girlfriend/boyfriend and talking all through the movie and you suddenly feel a wet trickle at the back of your head, remember, I have nothing to do with that softdrink being dumped on you. Promise.


P.S. In case you're wondering, out with Zombieland are Sherlock Holmes, Alvin and the Chipmunks, and Avatar back with a vengeance. There's no hint of The Imaginarium of Dr Parnassus. And I'm not gonna rant about it. Not until next post. Later!

Of Zombies and Monsters

In Iloilo City, where the drivers are half-decent, the food is scrumptious, and almost everybody is fabulous, it is very difficult to find anything that can get your temper to flare and make you want to devote yourself to the destruction of all things.

However, Iloilo Supermart employees, with their condescending tone and attitude that can only be rivaled by government employees (yes, I'm talking to you, BIR) always manage to do that. You come into the store, full of life and laughter and the promise of a good movie after getting some essentials, like cheap bottled water, and you come out mad as a hornet who has never had a boyfriend.

They're very talented, these people. They should be on a show.

The point I'm making, though, is the only thing that can get me to calm down after an encounter with a creature from any branch of this so-called pride of the Iloilo grocery industry is to plop down in front of a screen and see zombies and undeniably stupid horror movies.

Then, after watching, I not only feel better about the state of things in this city of love, I also feel quite scared because no matter how stupid a horror movie can get, I have this small twinge deep in my heart that one or all of those things can come true.

Yes. I'm a baby with an attitude.

Anyway, with hundreds of horror movies and countless sleepless nights, I'd like to share some that still gets me to think and double lock my door.

Number 3. Undin. Dunno if anybody has heard of this cute little gelatinous monster from a lake, but if you haven't, here's a bit of info. Undin is a character in one of the more entertaining Shake, Rattle & Roll movies (i.e. the ones done the past decade). She is this icky tiyanak looking creature that has more charm than an Iloilo Supermart sales person (sorry, couldn't help it). Anyway, the movie's main character played by Manilyn Reynes takes some eggs from a visit in the lake which turns out to be the Undin's babies.

So she follows her to the city and hides in the toilet bowl and kills almost everybody. No need to go into specifics as the mere mention of that already seems to be too ewww.

Nonetheless, I fancy I saw her once when I was living in our old house and I still remember her when I 'powder my nose'. I don't get scared of her coming out to get me, anymore, though. I mean, that was, like, ten years ago and she resided in a different island.

So there's no way she can come to Iloilo, right? Right? Why don't you answer me?!

*sigh*

Number 2. Cujo. Stephen King's creation, Cujo, is a dog that went on a killing spree. I think he may have been given food my sister cooked. Kidding. He would've died had that happened.

First time I watched this I got so scared I got sick and slept for 18 hours straight. That was one mad dog. I've never seen it again since. Don't ask me to.

And numero uno. Of course, Zombies. They are both my delight and my greatest fear. I love watching zombie movies almost as much as I hate feeling scared when planning for my hiding place should the dead decide to feast on the flesh of the living.

They are fascinating, eww-y, and one of the most entertaining characters ever created. George Romero should have a prize for this. Wait, he already did? Congrats, then.

So there. Flashbacks for some, huge laugh-trip for others. That's okay. We all have our weirdness. Mine is just more possible.

PS. Leave a comment for your own list of things that are ridiculous but you're scared of. And if you laugh at my list, that's cool. I'll just ignore you when the living dead is the dominant power in the world and I'm off to my secret hide-out that can withstand any attack from any and all zombies.

500 Days of Summer. A Review?

Let me start this post by saying that I am now slowly disentangling myself from the tentacles Robinson's Cinema has wrapped around me making me hesitant to watch movies at other places. Why?

Why what? Why can't I watch at other movie houses, or why do I feel the need to disentangle myself? Be clear.

Fine. For the first question, I like sitting like a slave on vacation when I watch a movie and Robinson's Cinema's love seats give me ample space to do that. I also need the extra space for the food I bring in that might be enough to feed at least 3 movie goers; don't judge. Second question: they had 500 Days of Summer for only a week and only 4 screenings a day. Are you kidding me? But nothing I can do, so might as well proceed with this post which, as you can very well guess, is a review of the movie that made me smile like a teenager with no insecurities.

I'm gonna let you wake up from your usual stupor and search for the movie's plot 'cause I've no energy to tell you about it when the only thing that fills my mind is how much I'd love to see this movie again. And again. And one more time after that. I've no idea yet if the magic of the movie diminishes after repeated viewing. Never got a chance to check that thanks to Robinson's Cinema! *pokes voodoo doll with Robinson's Cinema label* But what I know is that if you're one who still believes in love and is a sucker for happy clear cut endings with rainbows and cute little bunnies, then we need to talk. 500 Days of Summer is by no means about a tragedy but it's not a feel-good movie for people with limited working brain neurons either.

What it is, is a fun, a bit tragic, non-linear, laugh-out-loud look at relationships and people who get lost in them. It's not supposed to be taken seriously, much like life. And much like life, it screams truth.

Oh what the heck, let me do a proper review (as if I were capable).

500 Days of Summer stars Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Tom and Zooey Deschanel as Summer. The main plot is classic romantic with boy meets girl, boy falls for girl, girl is boy in the relationship with the non-committing attitude and casual treatment of boy, boy is girl in the relationship with the obsessing about how the girl feels and acting like a puppy dog. The thing is though even when you know they aren't meant for each other, you still want them to be together, if only for boy's sake.

Tom meets Summer at the office where Tom works as a greeting card writer and Summer an assistant. He knows she's the girl for him because of her 60s hairstyle and when she compliments his taste in music, singing The Smiths, “To die by your side is such a heavenly way to die.”
                              

                              

She doesn't want a serious relationship and he agrees even though we feel by how he looks at her that he's already planning the name of their babies. We wanna yell at him, “Wake up, fool! Just enjoy the ride.” But of course, even if Tom magically hears warnings from one who is also hopelessly in love with Zooey, he's not going to listen. I told you, he's the girl in the relationship.

We see them get into all their firsts and when she says, “Let's just be friends.” We get our hearts broken as well.

Not to say the break-up itself is one hilarious moment. Tom is oblivious to the fact that Summer is not happy with the relationship any more and when Summer cites Sid and Nancy as a couple to whom they resemble, Tom is shocked by the implication that he could ever hurt Summer the way Sid hurt Nancy (Sid supposedly stabbed Nancy to death). I laughed out loud when Summer says she's Sid in the relationship. Ah, Zooey.

I've been told that I'm biased when it comes to movies and books I love. I either ignore or am totally not aware of their shortcomings, which they definitey have, and just push through with incessant raving so much that I drive decent people away. That's why, try as I might, I've no idea what things to say that might be bad about the movie. The soundtrack was kick-ass, the actors were cast perfectly, and the dialogue was just right. And besides, no matter how sucky the movie is, Zooey can pull off such an awesome performance nothing seems to matter, e.g. Elf.

Regardless of what I'm incapable of noticing, I urge you to grab a copy of the movie when you can. If you don't wanna take it from me, fine. But don't miss a brilliant turn on an age-old story with one of the coolest actresses all girls have a crush on.

Oh, and if you've seen it, what's your favorite part of the movie? Mine was when they were in IKEA.










 

500 Days of Summer (Not a Review)

I have amazing news that I couldn't wait to share. Well, I could wait but, why?


The latest copy of Manila Bulletin and the churva outside Robinson's that shows what movies are showing in their cinemas – what do you call it? – confirm the information I was just guessing about the past week and that is, 500 Days of Summer is out!


Now, don't go calling me low-tech who has no idea how to download movies to avoid going stark-raving crazy while waiting for a good movie to come out. First off, I am low-tech, no need to broadcast that. Second, I want to see one of my dearest girl-crushes in the big screen as I felt a computer monitor is not enough to accommodate those big blue eyes. Yes. Zooey Deschanel has eyes even Bambi is envious of. And the fact that she can act doesn't hurt either. Ah, Zooey...

Anyway, one other reason I'm gonna traipse on to the cinemas tomorrow with no sleep just to watch this movie, not once but twice, is the fact that The Smiths is mentioned as some sort of common denominator between the two characters.


According to reviews from downloaders and people who live in cities who get to have movies shown early, the soundtrack for this piece of amazing rom-com is brilliant. At first, I wasn't sure, because what's brilliant for them might be the soundtrack to the movie Glitter, and we all know how that affects me. Oh wait, you don't? I get uncontrollable urges to smash breakable objects and/or heads. Not safe. So I researched and found out they might actually be right. The soundtrack to the movie includes The Smiths, Hall and Oates, and Simon and Garfunkel. There was also a mention of Belle and Sebastian in the movie, and that just screams “cool!”.


I'm not gonna reserve the review for my next post, 'cause that might not be for a long time if the movie is everything it promises to be, which is a love story with just enough deadpan cynicism from Zooey to make it as far from gooey as a rom-com can possibly make it. I tend to be incoherent right after watching or reading something I like. See previous review for proof. However, if the movie sucks eggs, the resulting review would not be fit for viewing. I also tend to be mercilessly abusive colored with enough swear words that make sailors blush.

Let's hope for all our sakes, and for the love I hold for Zooey, that the movie delivers.

The Boat That Rocked: A Lesson in Rock N' Roll

I don't normally review movies I like because I end up gushing shamelessly without a thought to the reputation I've been trying to improve. However, after watching Richard Curtis' latest comedy that features guys with the sexiest accents and music that can make you sing out loud, I couldn't help but pen down my thoughts that will turn out to be incoherent as I go along. To say that the movie rocked is the biggest understatement of the year. It was funny, sexy, insightful, and filled with the most kick-ass music.

But first, I have to stop gushing and give you at least a basic idea what the movie is about.

The Boat That Rocked, aka Pirate Radio in the US, is about a pirate radio ship anchored off the coast of England in international waters playing rock and pop music for UK listeners. The exclusively rock and pop station, Radio Rock, is at odds with the government for playing rock music 24/7 and for DJs that use cuss words a lot. It is 1966 and, like most people in authority, the guv'nors have their knickers in a twist.

The movie begins with Carl, played by a cute young actor named Tom Sturridge, arriving on Radio Rock, after getting expelled from school for smoking, to bond with his godfather, played by Bill Nighy. His mother thought he might get sorted out having a father figure around, a decision that turns out to be a 'spectacular mistake'. He meets the other members of the pirate radio ship and gets into all sorts of trouble, meets a boatload of women, loses his virginity, and basically hangs out with the coolest buncha guys you could ever hope to meet.

If you have seen this movie already, you'd understand why I can barely put into words how cool it was. If you haven't and is a fan of Bill Nighy, or Phillip Seymour Hoffman, or Shaun of the Dead's Nick Frost, then you should definitely check it out. If you have seen the movie and didn't like it and think I should stop with this incessant raving, too bad.

So why do I love thee? Let me count the ways...


1. The music. The soundtrack for this movie is to-die-for. You'll hear all awesome 60s music that makes you question where modern 'rocker' posers get their inspiration from. They've The Who, The Turtles, Small Faces, Jimi Hendrix, The Beach Boys, my lover David Bowie, and their awesomeness The Kinks. Listening to the songs is enough to make you wish you belonged in that generation.

I mean, someday when we have kids, what music do we have to share them from our decade? Don't break my heart and say Chris Brown. Boy, how awesome would it be to have been alive when rock still was?

*sigh*

2. Phillip Seymour Hoffman. Oh, those eyebrows. They're enough to make you offer yourself. And maybe include your first born as well. I have loved Phillip Seymour since he played Lester Bangs in another movie that featured awesome music in another decade I should have been in. He's a brilliant actor and thoroughly believable as one who knows his rock music. And that voice is so powerful - when he says jump, I jump.

3. Bill Nighy. You know you've seen this guy but don't know where? He was Davy Jones in Pirates of the Caribbean, Viktor in the Underworld movies, the crazy rocker Billy Mack in Love Actually, and will play Rufus Scrimgeour in the last Harry Potter movies. He also was the voice of Whitey in Flushed Away and was in both movies that starred Simon Pegg and Nick Frost – Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz.

This guy's already 60, but still exudes so much sex appeal he can still leave you breathless. And you just got to love how he speaks, such personality!

4. Men with sexy accents. There's something about British accent that makes women go wild. It's not just me, too. Ask random women and they'll tell you they're more likely to take their clothes off when pursued by a guy that speaks the Queen's English. This movie has so many guys with sexy accents I could barely keep my head straight. Nick Frost (from Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz), Chris O'Dowd (from the IT Crowd), Jack Davenport (from Pirates of the Caribbean), Rhys Ifans (Adam Sandler's HOT older brother in Little Nicky), who will also join Bil Nighy in the last Harry movies as Xenophilius Lovegood.

Dang, girls, you have no idea how hot it got listening to these guys talk.

5. Tom Wisdom. I know I should just have included him in the previous paragraph, but I'd like to properly introduce the new love of my life.

Yes.

While I wait for Slash's divorce, Tom and I will be in a passionate, toe-curling affair that will have even the most experienced blush. As one of the 300 Spartans, I think he has what it takes to guarantee satisfaction. And mixed with his The Boat That Rocked character, Midnight Mark, the resident ladies man in Radio Rock, Tom and his leather pants are all I need in a deserted island. Mmmm, yummy...

So there. If that doesn't make you want to go and watch the movie, then you're either a Miley Cyrus fan or dead inside. There's nothing more I can do for you.

Now if you'll excuse me, I think I need another dose of Midnight Mark.