Guys That Make you Go, “Hamuna, hamuna, hamuna...”

When you hear the word sexy, what comes to mind? With me, I’d like to say myself but I know I’m just inviting attempts to my life, so I’ll change my mind and say, “Anything oozing with talent.” Again, synonymous to me, but let’s not anger our public. All 3 of them.

In honor of that definition and the fact that Alice in Wonderland opens next month (i.e. the time I become barely literate with too much happiness), I would like to present you with my list of the sexiest men the heavens have been kind to grace us. Let me first take a moment to physically stopper my drool, and then let’s begin.

# 5. Johnny Depp. What?! Number 5! Are you crazy?! How dare you?!
Woah. Calm down. Repeat after me: “It’s not the end of the world.” You know how many guys I had on the list when I started? 78. And I had to narrow it to 5. It physically hurt cutting off hot guy after hot guy just so I don’t have to write a 10-page blog post. Bear with me.

Anyway, back to dear old Johnny. I really don’t need to define why the guy’s sexy, do I? He’s an amazing actor, he makes characters that would have been bland and creepy (read: Willy Wonka) exude so much sex appeal, your friends sometimes need to restrain you from launching yourself to the theater’s screen. He has a private life he keeps private (yes, we’re looking at you, Spencer Pratt), he wears a hat without looking like an idiot, and he was once a rock star.

*stops and wipes drool from face*

#4. Alan Rickman. He makes greasy-haired, sneaky Death Eater Severus Snape look so hot. Seriously. Have any of you who’ve read any Harry Potter book thought it possible that Severus can be portrayed in such a way that you would want to take your clothes off during a Potions class? Of course, he’d give you detention, but it’d be so worth it.


I’d follow that billowing black robe anywhere.

#3. Slash aka Saul Hudson. I feel guilty about placing my former future husband in third place, but I had to give up. Perla (the wife) doesn’t seem all that inclined to leave the sexiest artist that has ever touched a guitar, and it’s been 17 years since I promised eternal love to then Guns N’ Roses lead guitarist.

I might have given up on the future wife part, but Slash, dear I’ll never stop loving every inch of your disheveled, abundant, and suspiciously full of tiny woodland creatures hair. You got me through some pretty difficult times. Remember when I had this neighbor who was pissing me off with the stench of his overflowing garbage? All I had to do was play Appetite for Destruction in maximum volume and he was more than willing to clean up.


Good times, good times. 

Take a listen at his Godfather guitar solo, and I dare ya to stop yourself from taking your clothes off.

#2. Simon Pegg. Boys, know this. If you’re not good-looking, be English. If you’re not English, play the guitar and be a rock star. If you can’t be a rock star, be a comedian. Funny guys will never go out of style.

Now, if you’re a hot English rock star who’s also funny, then you’re the man of my dreams. Call me.

Simon Pegg is one of the funniest writers, ever. There’s just something about British humor that grabs the attention. The fact that he’s also a faithful friend is a huge turn-on.

It’s frustrating ‘cause I can never articulate exactly why Mr. Pegg can top Johnny Depp on a ‘hot’ list, but I strongly suggest you watch Shaun of the Dead or Hot Fuzz, and note – while you’re laughing your behind off – that he co-wrote both flicks.

And, the # 1, of course, is…

Ray Davies. Most people would prefer John Lennon, and I have nothing against John, in fact I absolutely support the research on inventing time machines just so I can properly stalk him, but when it comes to English story-tellers who became famous before I was even thought of, the answer will always be The Kinks’ Ray Davies.

Watch any one of his videos – or  their videos, but let's not be technical – and you’ll find that there’s nothing as sexy as a guy who can tell a story in a short tune and play it with as much enjoyment as my dearly beloved Mr. Davies. Listen to Lola, Waterloo Sunset, Sunny Afternoon, The Village Green Preservation Society and join me in wonder why they don’t make artists like that anymore.

So, there. Five out of 78, and I’m still sane enough to finish it. If you disagree with any entry on this list, it is suggested that you make your own. Cheerio!