A Pile Of Crap and Then Some

Mc G should be shot. Not the least because he still thinks a grown man can pull off a half-ass name like his without looking like one, but the worst transgression that makes shooting him such a good idea is the fact that he was able to make a major motion picture with undeniably gifted actors and a ridiculously huge budget that could have been spent on better things – like a sequel to Borat – but still make people who watched it want to kill themselves.

*deep breath*

Let's backtrack. Weekend ritual of movie marathon found me renting Terminator Salvation last Saturday. Luckily, I also rented Year One because 5 minutes into watching Terminator Salvation, I was ready to hurl myself in front of a moving vehicle. Year One saved me from doing it. A laugh out loud movie that delivered what it promised, which is pure, dirty, unapologetic fun.

Terminator Salvation, meanwhile, was such a pretentious piece of crap that was made under the assumption that all moviegoers are stupid. Observe and Report was also done under the same assumption. The difference is the latter wasn't pretending it was anything but a pile of smelly poo.


Are you kidding me? There wasn't a plot. Unless you count screenplay that can be written by my 16-year-old cousin a plot. But for the sake of those fortunate enough to have missed the movie, the basic plot *pukes* is: Christian Bale plays a guy who likes to shout and think intense overacting coupled with cheesy lines pass off as real acting. He's a good actor, Bale. Maybe the nonstop screaming he did both in the movie and while shooting the movie was only his way of getting rid of his frustration for being stupid enough to say yes to a project that is not only soulless, but will make Terminator 3 look like a masterpiece.

Sam Worthington plays a cyborg who thinks he's human. Sam is cool, so I'm gonna choose not to bash him. Besides, anybody who can make being a 10-foot N'avi look really hot should be allowed a couple of stupid choices. Just as long as he doesn't do it again. Stay away from McG, Worhington! I beg you.

The fact that Helena Bonham Carter and Bryce Dallas Howard, two beautiful and talented women, are in the movie doesn't make any sense at all. They could have been replaced with CGI and nobody would have noticed. That's what pisses me off more. Why would you even make an effort to cook a very potent potion and plan a hypnosis session just so you can make these two fabulous women say yes to an abominable excuse for an action flick when you won't even use them for more than 2 minutes and will only give them three lines of dialogue? I could say that's just stupid, but I'm sure you're already thinking that.

Now you're saying, there should be something about the movie that made watching it worth your while. Well, let me tell you two things. One, you're a pathetic optimist. And two, if you think watching a naked, ripped version of Arnold Schwarzenegger beat the hell out of Christian Bale is something that will make me feel better, then you're right. Damn, I enjoyed that part. And that in itself is sad. A movie where the best part is Arnold Schwarzenegger begs the question, "What the (censored) is wrong with the director?"

Terminator Salvation would have been a perfectly ok mediocre film if only it didn't take itself too effin seriously. The lines that were supposed to come off as heroic and inspirational were just too cheesy to be excused.

When John Connor said, “If we stay the course, we are dead! WE ARE ALL DEAD!” I thought that would've been more merciful. If a real takeover of robots were to happen and the only way we can survive is by spewing out godawful lines like the ones in the movie, I'd rather WE ARE ALL DEAD.