What To Do When You’re Single on Valentine’s Day aka the Guide to Surviving Torture

Let’s start with the basics before we begin.

Are you single?

If you’re in a relationship and having a grand time with the man/woman/creature of your dreams, then you need to click that little X at the top right of your screen cause you’re just making us feel bad. Go on. Leave.

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Has the uninvited happily un-singles gone yet? Good.

Now that all of us are in the same page, let’s begin.

It’s Valentine’s Day on Sunday, and you have no date, no plans, no significant other, and at the point of desperation. Your friends are all taken and have already texted, tweeted, and posted Facebook statuses about their grand Valentine’s Day date plans and how they’re so happy with so-and-so and how lucky they are that so-and-so is awesome and isn’t so-and-so sweet sending this-and-that days before V-Day and would you like me to set you up with another so-and-so that has a job, promise, but just a little bit short on cash, and would appreciate if you paid for the movie, he’ll be sure to pick up the tab next time.

*takes out humungous fan and starts fanning herself*

You now wonder whether you can handle another day of this horrible holiday. With these tips, I believe you can!

Be rude. You don’t’ have to fake happiness just because you have friends that can’t stop giggling on Valentine’s. When you meet couples holding hands, or giving each other presents, or just making you feel like crap, scream. Throw stuff. Go crazy. Now, not only your day is ruined, but theirs as well.

Don’t leave the house. It’s a Sunday, so you don’t really need to. Lock the door, drink a little (by a little I mean a lot), and pass out. By the time you wake up, it’ll all be over.

Throw a party. For all your single friends. If you have no single friends, then… Wow… That’s just sad. You have no single friends? What’s wrong with you? Oh, I mean, how dare they! If you have no one to invite to your party, skip this tip, and back away from the edge of the roof.

Ruin your friends’ Valentine’s dates. Call them up saying you have an emergency, and that you need their advice. Cry and moan when they arrive, and beg them to stay. If you have no real problem except envy of their happy relationships, then make something up. Say you met a guy you really like, but he told you he actually liked your friend. Tell them it has happened so many times, you’ve lost hope. Be as pathetic as possible. If you’re really considering this advice, then you’ll have no problem with the pathetic part.

Embrace the depression. Yes. Embrace. Rent the most romantic movies you can possibly find, buy all things delicious; when you get home, wear your most comfy outfit – which for some means nothing – then get into the spirit of depression and cry your eyes out while stuffing your face with your favorite grub. Repeat if necessary.

See? There are ways you can feel less like dog poo. Pick one of these winning tips, and you’ll have a better time being single on Valentine’s Day this year that you have ever had before.

And completely for the sake of innocent research, what do you think is the most romantic movie?

Ugly Betty Ripped My Heart Out and Tore It to Pieces

Let me rephrase that. ABC ripped my heart out and tore it to pieces. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, then maybe you should sit down first.

Seated?

…

Ready?

…

*takes deep breath and tousles bangs*

Ugly Betty is cancelled. /omg

Yup, this 4th season is its last and it’s all I can do from running around naked while bawling my eyes out.

But I’m not gonna do that for two reasons. First, nobody need see me naked; fabulous as I am, I don’t think we’re that close. Second, running takes my breath away. Literally.

So what I’m gonna do is get help. No, I’m not being overly dramatic. Crying at reunions is overly dramatic. Sharon Cuneta is overly dramatic. Biting your friend’s head off because she accidentally deleted all your files from your computer while trying to save a video she created of herself and Johnny Depp in a movie together *sobs* is overly dramatic. But losing Ugly Betty and trying to deal with it by getting professional (by that I mean, Internet chatroom) help is not overly dramatic. In fact, it makes so much sense I’m wondering why I never thought of it before.

According to my research, there are 5 stages of grief. They say if you get stuck in one then you won’t be able to heal, which sucks, since I need to heal first in order to lose weight. Grief makes me hungry. So I would need to get over each one in order to really be at peace with Ugly Betty leaving.

Stage 1: Denial. /no Yup. I went through this. I was like, “Nah. They can’t get Ugly Betty off the air. Two and a Half Men is still on and Lord knows somebody needs to do something about that.” I kept on telling myself that ABC was just joking; that they were spicing things up a bit by acting like they were gonna take the show away. Sorta like when you don’t show up at a date or when you mercilessly ridicule a guy just because you like him so much and the best way to keep his attention is making him feel like crap. You’ve never done that before? Me, neither. *looks away*

Anyway, I had to face the fact that this flirting with cancellation might just be real. They might actually axe the best thing currently on TV, and looking back at all those kick-ass hilarious shows that got cancelled (The Class, Popular, Arrested Development), coupled with the announcement from ABC, I finally, but not painlessly, believed it. Not accepted it – not yet – but believed it.

Stage 2: Anger. /shock And, ooooh, lots of it. I’m so angry right now I breathe steam. Well, partly because I managed to forget my coffee was smoking hot and just slurped it, but the biggest reason for the steam is anger. Stupid, inadequate, tasteless network, doesn’t know what show rocks and what show should get sacked *coughs* Private Practice *coughs*. When I get my hands on who’s responsible for this, I’m gonna tear one more hole. Never mind where.

*shakes fist at heavens*

Curse you, ABC!!!

Stage 3: Bargaining. /please Yes, please, why not. I’ll trade all my future servings of Jollibee Burger Steak (best thing to come out of a fast-food restaurant), and my F4 card collection. What? You don’t know F4? Me, either...:D

Anway, point is I’ll trade an awful lot of valued stuff just to continue getting a dose of this addictive show.


Stage 4 – *takes a deep breath* – Stage 4: Depression. Why do you think I’ve gained weight? I was depressed, that’s why!

I know I started gaining the pounds months before there was even a hint of a cancellation, but that’s just my body giving me clues. Now, that I’ve found out my body was right, I’ve gone through buckets of fried chicken butts, and plate after plate of tilapia with coconut milk. I have no control, I feel inadequate, and my self confidence has suffered a great deal. I haven’t exfoliated in weeks, for Pete’s sake!

And, of course, the last step.

Stage 5: Acceptance. Not as easy as it looked online; this step took so much from me. I had to stop munching on my KFC french fries for a bit. I had to tell myself, “This is not the end of the world. Other shows will come out. They won’t likely be as awesome as Ugly Betty, but they will drain your brain of its surviving neurons nonetheless. Stop overacting, and go to the gym.”  And it dawned on me, I can buy the whole set of Ugly Betty from the DVD store near SM Delgado now. The whole set. And I wouldn’t be able to do that if it hadn’t been cancelled. So there’s always a silver lining after all.

In closing, though, I would like to raise a glass to the people I would miss the most.

To Betty, without you there will be no show. Not because you bring the most to the story, but just for the sheer fact that your name is in the title. I will miss your fashion faux pas (what’s plural?) and your dedication to ignoring all common rules against ponchos.

To Wilhemina, the real bride of Chuckie. You are like a perfect pair of stilettos. Ridiculously expensive, incredibly painful, but undoubtedly gorgeous. Thanks for being the best villain on TV. Ever.

And to the most important reasons I watch the show, my dearly beloveds, Amanda and Marc, you complete me. Well, not really, since neither of you I can drag to the altar and marry, but you bring joy and important fashion tidbits to my boring existence. You bring pride to superficiality and have proven that friendships can be founded on the common need to ridicule.

I will always love you.

*opens compact and checks for mascara streaks*

*sighs*

Goodbye, Ugly Betty. I will wait with bated breath and 3 orders of baby back ribs for your last episode.



P.S. To Gio, marry me. :x

A Pile Of Crap and Then Some

Mc G should be shot. Not the least because he still thinks a grown man can pull off a half-ass name like his without looking like one, but the worst transgression that makes shooting him such a good idea is the fact that he was able to make a major motion picture with undeniably gifted actors and a ridiculously huge budget that could have been spent on better things – like a sequel to Borat – but still make people who watched it want to kill themselves.

*deep breath*

Let's backtrack. Weekend ritual of movie marathon found me renting Terminator Salvation last Saturday. Luckily, I also rented Year One because 5 minutes into watching Terminator Salvation, I was ready to hurl myself in front of a moving vehicle. Year One saved me from doing it. A laugh out loud movie that delivered what it promised, which is pure, dirty, unapologetic fun.

Terminator Salvation, meanwhile, was such a pretentious piece of crap that was made under the assumption that all moviegoers are stupid. Observe and Report was also done under the same assumption. The difference is the latter wasn't pretending it was anything but a pile of smelly poo.

Plot.

Are you kidding me? There wasn't a plot. Unless you count screenplay that can be written by my 16-year-old cousin a plot. But for the sake of those fortunate enough to have missed the movie, the basic plot *pukes* is: Christian Bale plays a guy who likes to shout and think intense overacting coupled with cheesy lines pass off as real acting. He's a good actor, Bale. Maybe the nonstop screaming he did both in the movie and while shooting the movie was only his way of getting rid of his frustration for being stupid enough to say yes to a project that is not only soulless, but will make Terminator 3 look like a masterpiece.

Sam Worthington plays a cyborg who thinks he's human. Sam is cool, so I'm gonna choose not to bash him. Besides, anybody who can make being a 10-foot N'avi look really hot should be allowed a couple of stupid choices. Just as long as he doesn't do it again. Stay away from McG, Worhington! I beg you.

The fact that Helena Bonham Carter and Bryce Dallas Howard, two beautiful and talented women, are in the movie doesn't make any sense at all. They could have been replaced with CGI and nobody would have noticed. That's what pisses me off more. Why would you even make an effort to cook a very potent potion and plan a hypnosis session just so you can make these two fabulous women say yes to an abominable excuse for an action flick when you won't even use them for more than 2 minutes and will only give them three lines of dialogue? I could say that's just stupid, but I'm sure you're already thinking that.

Now you're saying, there should be something about the movie that made watching it worth your while. Well, let me tell you two things. One, you're a pathetic optimist. And two, if you think watching a naked, ripped version of Arnold Schwarzenegger beat the hell out of Christian Bale is something that will make me feel better, then you're right. Damn, I enjoyed that part. And that in itself is sad. A movie where the best part is Arnold Schwarzenegger begs the question, "What the (censored) is wrong with the director?"

Terminator Salvation would have been a perfectly ok mediocre film if only it didn't take itself too effin seriously. The lines that were supposed to come off as heroic and inspirational were just too cheesy to be excused.

When John Connor said, “If we stay the course, we are dead! WE ARE ALL DEAD!” I thought that would've been more merciful. If a real takeover of robots were to happen and the only way we can survive is by spewing out godawful lines like the ones in the movie, I'd rather WE ARE ALL DEAD.